19 thoughts on “Grieving Out Loud: Guilt

  1. Christine Thrasher says:

    Thank you for sharing this, Ami!

  2. amimaglin says:

    thanks for watching it : )

  3. TabCrusher says:

    i lost my younger brother to a drug overdose may 7 2012,and i cant seem to
    get over it,now i am abusing drugs to cope and feel guilty,full of
    woulda,coulda,shoulda,it has tore our family apart,and personally feel like
    i will never be the same again,to see a perfectly healthy young person one
    day,and then bury them the next,so full of life,drug addiction is truly a
    horrible disease,a hope you find peace,for me,i feel only death will ease
    my pain

  4. Ami Ji Schmid says:

    oh crap, Sweetie. May 2012 is relatively not long ago. Believe me when I
    tell you you’re still in the beginning, most difficult part of grief. What
    helped me get through the hardest times (like the first few years) was
    reaching out to anyone who was compassionate, listened well & understood
    grief from a similar situation. I went to bereavement support groups (thru
    Hospice) & a grief counselor & NA mtgs (narcotics anonymous), & studied
    addiction… anything…everything that drew me in.

  5. Ami Ji Schmid says:

    If I could be so bold as to suggest you reach I out… you may want to go
    to an NA mtg to help you stop abusing drugs. None of you… you or your
    family, need you to go any further down that road. Also, grief counseling
    is helpful if you’re feeling like death is the way out of pain… it’s not
    the only way… & thinking that way is a sign that you need help to get
    through these very, very, crazy hard times. You may want to talk w/ your
    family too about family-grief-counseling… very helpful.

  6. Ami Ji Schmid says:

    oh, and this: Be Gentle with Yourself. Be gentle with yourself, dear One.

  7. Ami Ji Schmid says:

    on guilt (& the woulda, coulda, shoulda’s)… I found it most helpful to
    look at my guilty thoughts straight on to see what’s mine to learn from,
    what’s not mine to own, what I can’t change & what I need to learn to
    forgive (in myself, Michelle, others…). Guilt can be a good tool if we
    use it well. If it’s kept hazy in the background (“I don’t want to look at
    it”) it seems to leave a residue of confusing & heavy fog…not helpful to
    anyone, really.

  8. Ami Ji Schmid says:

    please write again & tell me more about you, your brother, your family…
    if you’d like.

  9. TabCrusher says:

    his addiction was to prescription drugs,but he was secretly doing cocaine,i
    didnt know he was doing it(although 2 times i had to rush to his house in
    the middle of the night after a call for help,to find him on the
    floor,confused,complaining of chest pains)when i confronted him about
    possible cocaine use he denied it,and i marked it off to as panic
    attack,even though i felt he was lying,only after he died did his ex wife
    confirm his usage and tales of latenight trips to ER and near misses

  10. TabCrusher says:

    he went to jail for 3 months,and said he was clean,he got out on a sun and
    i was suppose to meet with him in person that fri,thurs at 2pm i get a call
    that our 18 yr old younger brother found him unconscious in his bed and
    that i had better get to the hospital,i arrive to see him on life support
    in a coma,i broke down,collapsed to the floor and felt a pain so intense
    and mental anguish i cant describe,they pulled the plug 3 days later and
    all i could think is that i wanted to go with him

  11. TabCrusher says:

    i had talked to him the day before he died,but hadnt seen him since his
    incarceration 3 months prior,i believe his soul was released before the
    ambulance even came,because hours before i knew what had happened all i
    could think about was him,i must have told 10 stories about him from 8am
    until 2pm,to anyone that would listen, even texting him at 10am,he was last
    seen alive at 2am,it was not a normal day,my thoughts were all of him

  12. Ami Ji Schmid says:

    How are you doing Sweetie?

  13. TabCrusher says:

    hanging in there,just taking it one day at a time.thanks for asking

  14. Ami Ji Schmid says:

    one day at a time is good.

  15. TabCrusher says:

    been drug free since jan 1,been exercising and eating healthy,withdrawals
    put me down for 30 days and a very deep depression

  16. Ami Ji Schmid says:

    OMG… that’s amazing!! I’m so proud of you. 30 days is a long time to be
    so far down. I’m so sorry you went through that. but what a miracle to come
    out here… drug free, exercising, eating healthy… truly life changing.

  17. TabCrusher says:

    how are things going for you?

  18. Ami Ji Schmid says:

    Life is challenging right now. I am now full-time guardian of my 10 yo
    grandson. He was almost 2 when my daughter/ his mom left (out of her body)
    and has been left with a lot to deal with. His challenges have trickled
    onto me, being the main parental figure in his life, and it’s especially
    challenging to transition from a more sedate, adult lifestyle back to
    single parenting.

  19. TabCrusher says:

    i know what you mean,my son was born 2 months after my brother died. he
    left behind 4 kids

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